Parkinson’s Disease Recovery
Resetting the Human Brain
Reversing the Effects of Parkinson’s Disease, Exercising Neuroplasticity and Removing Brain Function Limitations.
This device and treatment can be be used on all forms of cognitive disease and disfunction for patients suffering from; Parkinson’s Disease, Alzheimer's, dementia, cognition/movement disorders as well as; healthy brains exercising neuroplasticity, enhancing brain function, clarifying thought and speed of processing, reducing psychological and emotional disturbances and eliminating other forms of cognitive impairment.
The Treatment and Technology
The treatment begins with a patient electroencephalograph (EEG). These brainwave readings are then normalized to simulate non PD brainwaves. These normalized brainwaves are feed into AI enabled micro processors. The processors control a direct drive mechanical device.
The patient is locked onto the device. The new normalized signals are fed into the nervous and muscular system. The brain begins to adjust to these new brainwave signals. As the brain normalizes the Parkinson’s Disease cognitive and physical loses fade as the brain resets to pre Parkinson’s Disease cognitive and physical functionality.
The progression of the recovery from Parkinson’s Disease (PD) has distinct phases. Each stage becomes the foundation for the next phase. The first phase includes adjustment to the technology and a shift away from the prevailing belief that there “is no effective treatment and no cure for PD”. The return of cognitive losses happens in the first few weeks. As cognition shifts the belief in the possibility of an effective treatment returns hope. As hope is reestablished returns from losses happen quickly. This lays the foundation for the next phase.
The DNA Snap
The next phase is the DNA snap. Research suggests that memories are stored in DNA. My experimental observations suggest that its not the actual memories that are stored, but the visceral experience surrounding a highly impactful event that is stored in DNA. An example might be a car crash. The victim may recall backing out of the driveway and waking up in the hospital, yet nothing in between. Memories may return quickly or may not return for several years, if at all. These memories are reconstructions. What is not a reconstruction is the sensory information. Sight, sound, smell etc. are experienced and stored. It is this information or data that is stored in DNA. As the technology resets the brain it is this stored data that returns. This DNA snap happens in the few weeks following the initial phase and it returns with a wallop. The brain initially resets and returns to a moment of significant trauma. I suspect that this trauma is the initiating event that turns on the genetic predisposition for Parkinson’s Disease. I theorize that the trauma undermines the immune systems ability to keep the PD genes in check and once released the fast or slow march to full fledged PD begins. Once this traumatic event is viscerally released what has been lost to PD fades as the return to a pre-PD condition begins to accelerate.
The third phase sees an increase in the intensity of the treatment. As the patient begins to accommodate this increased intensity the returns continue to accumulate. This is especially true in the case of cognitive returns. The physical returns tend to oscillate in and out as the patient tries to accommodate these new patterns. This phase can take a few months and the patient is at risk of partial relapse into some of the old PD symptoms. The cognitive improvements remain steady, while the physical improvements (which are remarkable) are in a constant battle with the side effects of previous medical interventions especially if the medical interventions are still ongoing.
This final phase is a time of decision for the patient. There is a psychological effect where the patient forgets what their pretreatment state was like (hence the use of video) and they begin to take control of their treatment in the belief that they will take it from here. This leads to a reduction in the physical improvements although the cognitive returns are firmly established and in fact begin to surpass previous cognitive abilities.
The side effect of the DNA Snap
Trauma, Neuroplasticity and Transformation
The side effect of releasing trauma is having to revisit, remember and re-experience the trauma. The DNA Snap emerged during the first application of the technology and has been present in every user to date. While unforeseen it has been the cornerstone of the removal of impairment and the reestablishment of cognitive and physical health and transformation. The PD treatment does not require any psychodynamic exploration. It is only necessary that the patient notices the visceral effect (the felt bodily sense) that comes up during the first phase of the treatment. If the patient struggles with this effect it must be addressed, but it is not a necessity for the PD treatment to be effective. Once the effect is noted the recovery accelerates.
This is where the topic of Parkinson’e Disease recovery, neuroplasticity and human transformation split into three different threads. All three flow from the application of the technology, yet each is compelling only to the users desired outcome; PD patients want relief and recovery from their disease; Those experiencing cognitive impairment or those anticipating future impairment (from hereditary neurological disorders) want a way to exercise neuroplasticity in the hope of recovery from impairment or fending it off for as long as possible, if not forever; Transformation was an unforeseen possibility that emerged very late in the use of the technology on a “normal” brain well beyond the required number of treatments for PD patients.
The Parkinson’s Disease Treatment blog continues below, while the other two topics begin in the Exercising Neuroplasticity blog and the Post Human Emergent Transformation blog.
Parkinson’s Disease Treatment blog (continued):
The PD patient commits to a minimum of four months treatment. Presently the treatment is administered and monitored one-on-one. The treatment can take place in a clinic or in the patient’s home. Treatment is one hour a day, five days a week. Once the initial treatment cycle is complete the patient then self administers, either when symptoms begin to reemerge or one to three days a week in a post treatment maintenance program.
A clinic environment is also possible, but it requires a minimum of 10 patients.
There is also the possibility and necessity of the entire process taking place remotely. This availability is in its infancy. A few potential patients have requested this and the technology is ready for beta testing.
This treatment has been a decade in the making, testing and application. It has been solely funded by the inventor/researcher. This will have to change. One-on-one is expensive. The establishing of a clinic is also expensive. Presently this funding will have to come from the patient or a benefactor acting on the patients behalf.
Developmental History of the Treatment and Self Funding.
The PD treatment grew from a post doctoral exploration into dementia. During this exploration a friend of the researcher was diagnosed with PD. Research across the PD treatment literature suggested small, short lived micro-improvements in a myriad of very different approaches to PD treatment. Recognizing these connections and the possibility of capturing these micro-improvements and expanding the efficacy and duration, PD then became the primary focus.
Recognizing that funding opportunities were very limited for a single researcher who was not working at a university or a pharmaceutical firm pursuing PD research the decision was made to continue unfunded. The far reaching consequences of this decision led to a research freedom that would not be available at an institution. It also led to an erosion of personal finances and relationships. Once the PD Pandora’s Box was pried open the lid was never going to fit back on.
From the moment the first patient was diagnosed to the development of an effective treatment for PD was 7 years. The technology went through a number of iterations as the application efficacy was narrowed to an effective treatment that resulted in the recovery of a significant number of losses due to PD. Covid added another 2 years. This time was spent on further refinements. The following video is from the first PD patients’ treatment.
Following this first effective treatment an application was made to the Michael J Fox Foundation (MJFF) for research and clinical funding. After some back and forth emails during the funding application process it was made clear that video evidence would not be allowed. The application was rejected. During the next funding cycle the possibility of a lone researcher applying for funding had been removed from the MJFF application portal. After billions of dollars in contributions and hundreds of million in research its likely that Michael J Fox will succumb to the ravages of PD. It is disheartening to watch.
It has been my experience that the PD funding agencies, which have great intentions, have limited their research support for fairly mainstream research protocols. To date there is still a medical and treatment industry standard statement; After the initial PD diagnosis the next sentence is “there is no treatment and no cure”. This has been frustrating. This is the primary reason for the necessity for PD patients and their benefactors to self fund this treatment presently.
This remarkable technology continues to be developed as its efficacy continues to be tested. The initial versions (Generation 1 and 2) worked without AI enabled microprocessors. Presently Generation 5 is in use with Generation 6 coming as a possibility for remote treatment. Remote treatment is the cornerstone for scaling the technology to get it to the PD population as a whole.
A Narrative
Knocking on PD’s doors.
Establishing legitimacy for the technology, research and application has gone hand in hand with pounding on the foundations of the disease to render up its secrets while also pounding on the major funding and treatment institutions for some help, or at least some interest.
The closest I got to the Michael J. Fox Foundation was a run through the front doors. After the initial application rejection and the subsequent removal of any possibility of a sole researcher being able to apply I phoned the foundation. A newly hired employee answered the phone. After hearing my pitch I was passed over to a VP where I left a long message about the technology and its efficacy. I never heard from the MJFF again. It felt necessary to get as far as I could with them and this felt like a hard stop, although I did pursue their sister agency, The Edmond J. Safra Fellowship in Movement Disorders. Their response was they do not allow unsolicited applications for funding.
Google founder and philanthropist Sergey Brin’s involvement with PD led to the next swing and a near miss. Sergey’s mother had PD and Sergey has the mutation in the LRRK2 gene. He has contributed more than a billion dollars to PD research. I attempted to make contact with his foundation, but that was met with a resounding silence. No response.
I also traveled to Houston to visit the Parkinson’s Disease Center and Movement Disorders Clinic at the Baylor College of Medicine. The head of the department was away, but the Fellowship Coordinator took the time to listen to my story, committed to reviewing the video evidence and ensured me that her boss would watch the video of my initial PD patient. He did and he responded; “More data please”.
Kite (surfing) lines get entangled
The Maui Sessions
I have been a kite surfer for over twenty years and remarkably PD and kitesurfing are entangled. There were mutiple reasons for visiting Baylor; The reputation of the PD clinic; and the head of the department, who is also a member of The Michael J. Fox Foundation’s Scientific Advisory Board, also has a long-term patient that is a kitesurfer. In response to more data I thought it would be best to treat this patient as a demonstration of the efficacy of the technology. Sergey Brin is also a kite surfer.
One of the finest (and fearless) ambassadors for kite surfing is Jessie Richman. His father, also a windsurfer and kitesurfer, has PD and is a Baylor PD clinic patient. In a 2021 wonderful post-Covid conversation in Hood River, Oregon (summer time kite surfer heaven) I committed to Jessie to travel to Maui if I could and treat his father Joel.
In the spring of 2024 I began working with Joel on Maui. During the course of his treatment the VC investor Bill Tai and his annual Maui kite surfing, young tech get-together met on Maui. Jessie managed to get me a post kitesurfing session audience with Bill and his young tech cohorts. I spent an hour discussing my research, answering their questions and drinking their generously offered beer (remember, I am on an ever diminishing shoe string budget and a few free beer are a welcome recompense). They were polite, inquisitive and I appreciated their sincere curiosity. I left feeling I made little impact, but the next day Jessie said no. They were very interested to which I responded “More data…correct” Yes he said.
A few of this cohort approached me the next day with more questions and comments. The most prevalent was the need for me to get an apprentice. The accumulated knowledge I have must be passed on and this would also free me to go on with the neuroplasticity technology that had emerged from the research and to ensure that what had been accomplished would not be lost. I was beginning to feel my age in this, but their comments were well received. I left wondering if what I need is a human apprentice or an AI generated assistant, an AI synthesis of a sentient form of myself in some way.
I continued with Joel through to the end of the PD treatment cycle.
A tack back around to Sergey Brin happened again while on Maui. The Lahaina fire devastated and impacted almost everyone living on Maui. It is deeply felt in the loss that everyone here shares. The Maui Economic Development Board has been valiantly trying to rebuild an economy hit doubly hard with the Lahaina fire and Covid in a way that is not tourist dollar driven. I took their startup bootcamp and during the course I chatted with a presenter that is a shining example of a Maui tech company that is bringing new industry to the Island. He is the founder of a very successful satellite tracking company that is fiercely Maui rooted. When presenting he talked about his initial startup history including with Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak. He was also friends with Steve’s second wife Candy “Kayak” Clark. It turns out that both Candy and I raced at the same 1977 World Whitewater Kayaking Championships in Spittal, Austria and the two highlights for me were the racing and dancing the night away with Candy at the post race party. She is a terrific dancer. The founder of the Maui Satellite Tracking company had contact information for Sergey and agreed to try to pass on my contact information. The response from the Brin side was “there is no interest in making an introduction at this time”. A swing and a miss, although I still have hope that the Sergey Brin Foundation may cast a future curious glance in my direction, possibly after a shared Big Wave Kite Surfing day on Maui’s north shore.
There have been a lot of strikeouts on this journey. There have also been a lot of kind and generous tender mercies that I am so thankful for. All the people I have mentioned that have tried to move this PD treatment along by listening and acting have contributed to keeping a diminishing hope alive. For this I will be forever thankful. These great human qualities are alive and well in these humane gestures. Mahalo and Thank You.
One last note on the above. The lawyer that negotiated the $4 billion+ Lahaina victims compensation package has PD. The PD world is small yet far reaching.
In the meantime any gesture of support, both personal and financial, regardless of size will go a long way to help in the continuation of this journey. If there is interest I will continue to persevere until the support and resources evaporate or the PD world begins to take notice. Regardless, the inner voice says “continue to treat PD, one at a time if you have to” and I will try even in the face of the other technologies that have emerged from this journey that are now begging for attention.
Exercising Neuroplasticity
The technology is much the same for both PD and non impaired (normal brain) users. The Exercising Neuroplasticity (EN) treatment is more intense as PD has an initial physical impairment component that must be accommodated.
Where the two procedures diverge is that exercising neuroplasticity has a very different motivation; the desire for a healthy brain to fend off potential cognitive degradation. What emerged from the PD treatment was the remarkable return to a more robust cognitive condition than what was in play prior to PD. This discovery was the moment of realization that resetting the brain resulted in both recovery from cognitive impairment while also increasing cognitive ability, essentially the effect of exercising neuroplasticity.
The main reason for the shift between PD and EN came when exploring the possibility of funding from the San Fransisco tech seed incubator Y Combinator. It was firmly suggested that having a partner would see an increased possibility of acceptance. Y Combinator sent information about a number of likely candidates. In conversations with these potential partners it quickly became apparent that they were not interested in PD, but were very interested in the advancement of EN technology. In the end giving up an effective treatment for PD was not an option I was easily allowed to consider. In talking to people about a PD treatment and EN most have a story about someone they know suffering from or dying with PD and this was almost always voiced in heart felt support for continuing with an effective treatment for PD while EN often brought a mild passing interest. That being said not only are EN and PD entangled they also augmented each other in remarkable ways.
The Exercising Neuroplasticity Protocol
Exercising Neuroplasticity Technology and Treatment (ENTaTe)
Neuroplasticity is easier to test for cognitive function loss and improvement. The initial PD Gen 2 patient cognitive returns occurred in the first week with most cognitive losses returned in the next 6 weeks. The DNA snap wasn’t fully realized until well after the final treatment. In the latest PD Gen 5 patient the returns began in the first week with an encountered barrier after the first 2 1/2 weeks. The DNA Snap hit at 3 weeks and the returns accelerated. The patient was also being treated elsewhere for declining mobility. 18 months into this declining mobility treatment improvements were very limited. Three weeks into the PD treatment and following the DNA Snap the movement treatments improved substantially, accompanied by the first uncontrollable emotive expression. This dropped the PD mask and released the patient to quickly move into long since forgotten trauma. Getting past this trauma took a week.
I had not tested the complete treatment protocol on a healthy brain and decided it was time to do so. This ran concurrently with the latest PD patient. The treatment had the same protocol but was of higher experimental intensity. The results were much the same, although faster and the descriptions of the cognitive shifts were more expansive. The internal shift was noted as coming out from under a cognitive fog. Observations of the world were more pensive while internal thoughts became more expansive and less defensive and dismissive. The DNA Snap lag was a few days, not weeks or months. As thought clarified the visceral baggage was brought to the surface. The initial DNA Snap memories were from much further back; coming up from childhood.
During the middle phase of the treatment in both PD and EN physical limitations to activities long since believed lost began to dissolve. It was as if the internal belief system was eroding and therefore releasing the body from psychologically imposed limitations.
It is important to note here that the initial cognitive improvements were quick, while there was an ever increasing ebb and flow to the physical returns. The brain recovers quickly whereas the body takes its own sweet time.
There is a very real sense that when using the technology this is less about improving cognitive and physical ability as much as removing impedance from cognitive and physical disability at least during the initial 4-month treatment.
The cognitive returns and recovery remain firmly intact across all users of the technology whereas the physical returns seem to require a shift or removal of physical and social (dis)enabling. You have to enter back into the physical activities that were thought no longer possible while also removing the internal and external beliefs that you are too old or too feeble. While the inner world is shifting you must also alter the outer world. The effort and reward in this is too big to ignore and there is the added danger of experiencing PD recovery or revitalized cognitive health only to feel it slip back into a previous, familiar decline. The technology doesn’t make the change for you it makes the change with you.
The long term benefits of robust cognition are massive, but the difficulty of having to revisit disabling traumatic memories stored in DNA shouldn’t be ignored.
Testing of the efficacy of this technology is more likely to have better success when targeting EN vs PD. Scientific methodology is tailored for productivity outcomes. When comparing cohorts an increase of a few percentage points is a massive improvement. The improvement of cognitive processing of a military unit over an unimproved unit is very likely decisive when the desired outcome is explicitly known. While a little harder to assess in creative endeavors, the removal of cognitive impedance creates the opportunity for unforeseen outcomes to be realized.
Exercising Neuroplasticity across all cognitive processes regardless of endeavor (repairing cognitive or emotional damage, fending off future damage, engaging in creative and artistic pursuits, etc.) now has a powerful and evolving technical tool. The future is beginning to look good.
Exercising Neuroplasticity
Who is it good for? Absolutely everyone!
Say it again!
Good God You Al!
Cardiovascular exercise health benefits have been firmly established. Exercising the heart leads to very desirable outcomes; “Faster, Higher, Stronger”. Exercising the brain is in its infancy. Learning new languages, playing an instrument, doing crossword puzzles, etc. is correlated to arresting cognitive decline, but this is not exercising the brain directly. While walking and running a marathon are related the physiological outcomes are very different. The brain must be exercised in a way that releases its ability to alter the course of disease, increase its potential to fend off decrepitude and open up its potential. Clearing out the cognitive fog and removing iterative impedance is a very good start. The EN treatment and technology creates the opportunity for this to happen. This technology is for anyone that wants to begin safeguarding against cognitive decline, protecting cognitive health and venturing into enhanced cognitive function. The four-month treatment protocol, followed by continuing with an occasional post treatment maintenance session is enough. The introduction of AI in Gen 6 increases the speed in which the returns are realized, increases the time between post treatment maintenance sessions, and decreases the duration of each session. Healthy cognition is a good place for most to stop and maintain.
Continuing to increase the intensity while maintaining the same number of sessions as the initial EN/PD treatment has a much deeper and more expansive effect. This further exploration is not for the faint-hearted. It appears as if the brain has a propensity for a form of self-transformation. If you remove the effects of cognitive decline and remove the physical and psychological impediments that contribute to future cognitive decline it-is-as-if the brain has an emergent potential. I call this “Post Human Emergent Transformation”. This is beyond the scope of this Exercising Neuroplasticity blog and has been moved to the Post Human Emergent Transformation blog.
For those that have requested possibly using the technology, especially for those with PD and other cognitive-movement disorders, they would like to know how the technology works, see it in action and talk to previous users. The technology patent application is still pending so this has limited revealing specifics about the technology. Those that have used the technology, and those that are presently using the technology, are under NDA’s and thankfully have been careful not to reveal any of the technical information. I have allowed communication between the users, their practitioners and in some cases those interested in using it. As mentioned in the PD blog there is still work to do to scale for non supervised use of the technology. It is sitting and waiting for scale, but it needs support, especially for those that insist on “more data”. Generating evidence based empirical test results for EN users is much easier than for PD users, yet financial support for this EN technology is also necessary. Any support for continuing the advancement of this technology is greatly appreciated.
Post Human Emergent Transformation
What happens when the technology continues to be applied without pause at the maximum sustainable intensity on a healthy brain?
The initial four months sees the quick DNA Snap, followed by the reduction of cognitive fog. Bypassing the post treatment maintenance phase and increasing the intensity of the application of the technology eventually leads to an oscillation of a dark and deepening descent into the stored and layered visceral memories and a momentous rise above and beyond the accrued effects each traumatic episode has impinged upon thought and action.
There is a remarkable ever increasing rise and fall, rise and fall as each restrictive memory is pried loose, revealing a deeper and more intransigent debilitation. It is as if there is a deep dive to acquire some long lost artifact, heaving it up to the surface, then after watching it dissolve into the light the explorer, now less restricted and more fully energized, dives back down deeper into the darkness to cut loose the next hidden impediment.
There is danger in these primordial waters and there is the very real possibility of becoming stuck or lost when diving too deep too quickly or rising too fast and too high. In hindsight it seems worth the risk, but in the moment there is the very real possibility of becoming mired in new and greater visceral trauma or what might be seen as an escape from this horrific battle…death. As previously stated, not for the faint of heart.
It is hard to believe that technology could unleash this beast, but it has and it does and I doubt the lid is going back on any time soon.
An Account:
What has been fascinating in the release of the trauma in both PD brains and EN healthy brains is the way in which the traumatic experience is expressed and how this expression evolves and unfolds over time. The reason trauma is so hard to get at directly is the very real possibility and probability that the visceral or felt-bodily-sense of the traumatic event will be fully experienced again. Resistance and repression are big factors during normal physical and psychodynamic therapeutic interventions. The body and the brain not only hold on tight, the brain has a tendency to lie to itself or at least misrepresent experience. I don’t want to delve deeply into this. The technology bypasses, if not ignores, this defense. It sweeps by it and that is where the risks begin.
Regardless of how the release from trauma is approached, either decades of therapy, meditation, shock therapy, pharmaceuticals, drugs, alcohol, exercise, sex or any other human distraction the expression is always the same. The stored visceral experience is expressed semiotically, it is never expressed directly. In the case of PD and NE treatment it seems to come up as a creative expression in written form or through a creative expression in work or play. In a number of patients it has for some strange reason come up poetically. It is odd that patients that have never had an inkling of writing poetry have expressed their trauma using this tool. In the case of the first PD patient and the latest non PD patient this has been the case.
The first semiotic expression of the initial release of a stored visceral traumatic memory was this first piece written below. This was realized and released three months into the post EN initial phase. The writing was very fast and with limited editing. The entire piece was written in a few minutes. Not without some very real pain.
little inner boy blues
Snowy morning, in a dreary little town
I break apart, watching her inner voice destroyed by Internet voices
Crushed by my death of nothing left to say
I… l… pack up and leave on that dreary ugly day
The lonesome miles are where the little boy shines,
Always hopeful, but cursed all the same
But if desire for home brings hope from the pain
He always loses his way in the shame
He's learned it so easily, let go
Yet Who sings those things you love are never yours
He so carefully carves his life apart
His dog, now hers breaks all their hearts
The darkness falls, as it always does
The world he knows will shut its doors
But ask he always will,
against all hope he knows the abyss never lies still
The cold from out and in meet to shroud his soul
Protecting him from death and love he numbs
The little boy is home
He doesn't know if he'll survive
He doesn't really care
The abyss has claimed him
Familiar is this roam
White and dark turns to gray
no solace
He falls back in to troubled places
Imagining the joys of others and how painful it is to see,
he disappears from the world
And demands that no one see
This little boy and this old man
Now tangled and alone
Watch the world recede
He's fallen into this numbing darkness
so many times before
The failing light extinguishes both hope and fear
Nothing dare come here
He surrenders time in the deal
his soul will make again
Death he risks yet there is no cost
all is gained or all is lost regardless of his pain
The pain is suffered on his own
As always, he will choose
Even if the other comes, he cannot hear or see
The shroud is so complete nothing enters here
Will I survive, I do not care
Life is not my friend
Yet Death it's not the choice I make
I no longer know what anything is for
Now, no thing is known
And the world is lost to me
Free fall, forward backward up or down
Waste their time, I see
The inner boy and outer man
Tangled, are now cut free
The gray fades to thickest fog
Darkness lightens I still can't feel
But I sense I might yet see
I crawl from under the abyssal shroud
Or maybe it just lets me be
little inner boy is tough as nails
And will never likely fail
The outer man falls back to life
little boy recedes
Wiser, smaller, younger
Fog begins to lift
Hope returns and brings with it some light
Altered in some unknown way
he and I
stop our well known flight
The abyss as teacher
Always dark and numbing cold
Seems to hold I'll ever need
To explore my young and old
I have explored so many ways
to find my way to home
I work so hard to make something light and warm
Yet, it's always taken from my hand and I give it up so easily
Knowing the abyss will come
and I might yet again survive
I wish it were so different
but for the little boy inside
As we both look over what was there
My little boy and I
The landscape now so wide
I see our stumbles, our losses
There's nothing meant to be
The darkness fades
Hope returns
Life unfolds, again
I see
What is important here is the visceral sense of loss, pain and release from a recent traumatic experience coupled to early childhood trauma. Dropping into and partially passing through the debilitating memories and their profound influence on life is noticeable. Not bad for a first go.
With the technology still in use the following release appeared a month later.
So I've come to realize what it is we are after. We are after the return of and to innocence. I sense that people have predated upon my relationships because they see the possibility of innocence within it, and they want it desperately. So, coupled to the concept of problematics; of creating and resolving a problem that you continue to create and resolve and create and resolve I guess the universe, just as we are, is looking for a return to that innocent state of pre-separation from itself. We are trying to get to/get back to that place, to that visceral sense where we see the world, where we see our partner, in that innocent state of beginning and we want that for ourselves, that visceral experience of life starting anew, filled with hope, desire, uncertainty and joy. With age and experience we are trying to help ourselves avoid the pitfalls that we so continuously fall into as we try to get back to that innocent naivety, or failing that we just drift towards the dimming of the light…the coming of the end.
My recent ex partner got drunk and phoned my lawyer who has also been my friend for 30 years. The premise of trying to locate me my lawyer emailed a friend and said my ex was in her cups with her papers in hand. I asked my friend if these were divorce papers and he said yes. I contacted my ex to let her know just to send the papers to my friend. I would sign them and get them back to her. She responded with she was just trying to get information from my lawyer about my finances for the divorce papers. What came up was, this behavior has been repeated by both my soon to be ex-wife and my lawyer. My lawyer went after two of my ex-girlfriend's when we were all very young and he ended up living with both of them at separate times. My ex-wife knew this and seemed to feel it was OK to open this drunken dialogue with this lawyer friend of mine.
The first time this happened the woman I was originally with and I were so very young. We were inexperienced and naïve. She had such a lovely smile and was achingly beautiful. I left for a race in Europe and when I returned, I felt altered, more worldly and not interested in her in the same way that I was before. We parted. My lawyer friend moved in on her and they ended up living together. A few years later, with my next girlfriend, my lawyer friend, and the emailed friend mentioned above, we returned from a race to where my previous girlfriend and the lawyer were living. We all got a little drunk and he put on a piece of her clothing, returned to where we were and it had been ripped to shreds. The two of them fought. As I watched this, I felt bewildered and sorry for them.
A few months later, well after they had broken up, I saw her walking towards me on the street and not wanting to engage with her, I went into a bank. She followed me in and as we talked for a very short time that lovely beauty and innocence returned to her. The two of us were that nervous naïve couple again. After a brief pause the bewilderment and age reestablished itself and we parted.
My next relationship followed the same pattern. After we broke up the lawyer went after her and they were together for a short while until she left. I continued to see my lawyer friend and to use his services for 30 years.
More than 30 years later the same game is in play again. I wouldn’t have thought about that ancient past, yet it has been triggered by my recent ex and the lawyer. I feel the same pain and sorrow I felt all those years ago, again. I realize I need to work through this. The device is really a very deep cutting, double edge sword. I hoped the exploration of why my recent marriage had ended, noted within the previous poem, I thought I was on my path to recovery, yet the device has cut deeper down into the darker recesses and into the past evoking that old sense of loss and betrayal. I know this event is on the same pendulum swing as the recent marriage loss and I hope that this furthering pain is also about the return to innocence and the possibility of finding that naive and beautiful loveliness that seems so wondrous or maybe this is just coming to the realization of a life spent in pursuit of relief for the little boy inside.
The Return to Innocence
Her beauty and innocence ignited my soul
I left
and returned
Apart
Later
Seeing her predated upon
Sensing her and his entangled disgrace
Lost were her beauty and grace
Meeting again saw our souls
remember our state of Grace
Parting again, we resumed
our diminishing lonely race
I allowed that predation to damage my soul
From then to my latest breath
So many decades later
still
so harsh and achingly fresh
I see that game again
burned into their souls and our flesh
I wonder if possible this time
to flense it to arrest
I know asking others to stop
Only darkens all in sight
And evokes my lost inner boy
To his familiar lonely flight
I know I must arrest this flesh
and soul eating disease
But what does the surgeon cut
To return to that innocent peace
I am frightened for I know what is coming
Bearing down on them for their stray
Yet it seems almost impossible
To not watch and look away
Traveling through this labyrinth of the soul
I hope is my way to Home
Finding the light, the beauty, the grace
That has fueled my soul aching roam
I hope my innocence will reveal its warmth
As I feel through the darkness again
Shedding behind, the burden of time
And see her waving…my beautiful, graceful friend
I am feeling scared. For a week now I have been feeling frightened of something and yet I can’t tell what it might be. I am second guessing so many things. I am starting to suspect that I am close to rendering up and removing my little inner boy and I am possibly frightened of having to live without him. The cost of post human emergent transformation seems fatal to that which we are internally entangled with. Maybe it is something else. I do not know.
One would think that the release from the initial debilitating DNA Snap would be enough. It isn’t. You think that you’re finished with it, but it isn’t finished with you. The bounce from the initial somatic sense of passing through the death of a relationship should be enough. It is. Yet, the continued application of the technology allows for a momentary release and then a plunge back into the work. In hindsight it seems to me that the “work” is the work of everyone…human maturation. It is surprising how little human maturation there is. It appears that cognitive maturation is not very prevalent. I wonder if the source of most of humanities problems arises from most people never maturing…the core of the human condition I guess.
It should be noted here that the time between each piece of writing was about a month, although there is never any idling and each release is always accompanied with serious doubt. The user struggles with soldiering on or abandoning.
As the progression continued the technology user began to experience a physical as well as the usual cognitive shift. At the beginning of the use of the technology the end of his relationship was very recent and he was in pretty sad shape. Cognition was poor, he was in fairly bad physical condition and he was emotionally distraught. He left the relationship with the understanding that he was too old, was not interesting and was of little value. As his cognition shifted, his emotive and physical state began to improve. He began hiking and the risks of the extended use of the technology began to emerge.
The technology seems to instigate an almost direct correlation between the inner and outer worlds struggles and personal transformation. As he was subject to the ever expanding oscillations from the technology application and as recovery from trauma was becoming apparent the recovery from a sense of being too old shifted. Both this inner and outer recovery exhibited great risk. Up to and including death.
As the intensity of the EN technology continued the physical exploration intensified as well.
Maui has an underworld of very challenging hikes and climbs. As he recovered and became stronger he was invited to participate in ever challenging explorations. Internal and external risk and reward were in parallel. The attached video came from one of these hikes. The video was taken and shared by one of the five hikers in this group. It was not meant to be of high edited quality. It was just a memento from a shared experience. You do not see the hiker with the GoPro camera, but it is important to pay attention to the ever-increasing difficulty of the hike/climb and to keep in mind the videographers presence. The EN technology user is in the video. He has white hair and is dressed in black with a small light blue pack.
The above “Somewhere on Maui” hike was a warm-up for an almost mythological hike from Maui’s history and one that is considered very dangerous. It began as a wondering that morphed into an ever increasing obsession. This outer exploration mirrored the inner exploration as the technology oscillated between deep DNA trauma release and transformative possibilities and realizations.
The danger from these internal and external explorations is very real. The videographer (Karl) on the above hike returned a few months later with a different group to repeat this hike. The risk of injury is high, especially during these high water/flood conditions. The move to get up past the top of the final waterfall is challenging with dire consequences for a misplaced step or slip. On this subsequent hike Karl slipped and fell from that last top section. He died. It is a challenging location for anyone to get to. The rescue helicopter took an hour to extract the body from the pool 70’ below. He was pronounced dead at the site. This was a grievous loss. Karl will be greatly missed.
After the initial shock the user of the NP technology had to make a serious decision. As he had begun solo explorations of some of the even more challenging Maui hikes as a build up to the almost mythically difficult and challenging Maui hike the desire to continue or abandon this exploration was made very real with the loss of Karl. The decision, while not taken lightly, was to continue.
The following poem was realized during very challenging explorations into this mythical hike known as the “Warriors Path or the Warriors Way”. The hiker did these hikes alone. Note that the poems title and its meaning were unknown to the writer upon release of this poem. The word came in a dream the night before the poem was written. The entire poem emerged in a few minutes after waking. Only later did he explore the term Kintsugi and understand it to mean “treating breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise”. The poem was written before the loss of Karl.
Kintsugi
The Warriors Way
On this short winters’ day
bent…bashed
yet not fully broken
I will find My say
Wet, slick, upward
I grasp
I fall
I get up
Still out of reach
This day
Don’t think
Step
Look…down
Look…up
Just Don’t Look Away
Keep moving
Rest after the fall
Not long
Get up
Not broken?
Keep going
Don’t linger
That saturating, living darkness
That spirit in that dark lava
My false light helps me see
But nothing chases away
That which is coming for me
If I can speak it
For an instant
I can move forward
For a bit longer…free
The sun is still up
Yet the mind is filled with fog
The cloud and rain drop into the valley
The river begins to speak
The mind clears
Walk
Just below the precipice
stretching upward
Grasping that crumbling rock
As I stretch upward
It reaches down to me
Up, over the Crest
and descend
STOP thoughts of time and failing light
Don’t look down
just…descend
Don’t think
Don’t feel
Move
This upper valley floor is won
Just try to hear
The sound begins its guide
Tired, wet, foolish
Thought is not a friend here
Past the valley floor
The next climb begins
STOP thinking STOP
Reflect
If you make it
The next precipice
The feel is now from below moving me upward
Crest
I see so far away
Head down…next step
I descend again, yet I now know descent and rise
Breathe and forget
Let the sounds help
Descend and descend and descend
The day begins its descent
The landscape becomes familiar
I am guided downward and outward
The darkness descends, the lightness increases
I am released…from the past
This place is familiar,
I just don’t know what I am
Anymore
The Warriors Way
Maui
December 9, 2024
With increasing intensity of the technology the physical and cognitive explorations began to augment and mirror the internal and external struggles and although the benefits continued to accrue the path was never clear and rarely straight. Much like the physical challenge of the Warrior’s Way Hike, the cognitive emergent explorations also continued to reveal unforeseen pathways.
Traveling backward to emerge forward.
As the cognitive fog was left behind and the DNA stored memories became less of a shock it was fascinating to see how distant memories are entangled with recent memories.
Not only does hope return, but in a new direction in a way that does not necessarily create a default into old patterns. Watching the visceral memories (VM) emerge and then embracing an unknown future, regardless of how hard or odd it might seem, was a remarkable emergence of significant change. Albeit baby steps in the beginning.
There is a clearing and cleaning of unwanted residue of past entanglements. This release from the past doesn’t instantly coincide with the possibility of a new direction. There is again this ebb and flow. As debilitating memories are dislodged and the entanglement to recent memories is revealed these oppressive and repressive links erode and new possibilities form, yet it seems in these moments the task is to not grab hold of the familiar to replace the loss in a desire to return to a state of equilibrium. Follow the thread, but don’t hold on too tight. Don’t get tangled up…again.
The following emerged a month after Kintsugi, yet the entanglement with “The Return to Innocence" two months prior is likely the stronger connection.
Michael
Christmas Eve with my future wife
I, older but still naïve
Her father's possessive
And obsessive need
displayed its madness strife
Michael’s notice of our forlorn trap
Gifted me with a lovers map
His affection and curiosity
Saved me from her father’s screech
Michael’s heartfelt notice
and curiosity
Reduced her and my
disparity
I loved him from that moment on
And reveled in our entangling song
Why he wasn't king of all
Seemed a crime to me of unforgivable gall
I fell in love with her and him
Our innocence seemed not as sin
How Michael knew decades through
She and I would come to rue
Strangled by her father's need
to see her as his only creed
Kept at bay by Michael's sight
of her and I and Hana's plight
Confused by beauty
In my child like need
We proceeded until
Our heartache bleed
Her father’s jaundice
So deeply rot
Laid all my efforts
To useless fought
When finally we were ripped asunder
And so gleefully torn apart
I fought myself away from her
In hopes of some distant start
In the years between her and our so infamous start
I returned one wondrous day
And spending only time with Michael
She noted my spurious fray
I didn't intend
To not see her then
But Michael was in my heart
He noticed how changed I had become
In an instant upon our sight
Yet within a single heartbeat
We moved back to our light
After a single day together spent
I was inspired to soldier on
Yet I felt from deep within him
His wound from Hana’s long lost song
Decades later still
When my ex reached from love gone bad
I fell toward her outstretched need
In search of Michael's hand
She offered me a glorious start
From pursuit of a deadly disease
Nested me in a wondrous place
Michael and I found peace
I fought so hard to recover
Michael’s so peaceful nest
All had been ripped asunder
From all her tumultuous unrest
From torn up walls
And desecrated stalls
And garbage spread askew
Yet every piece
that Michael touched
Renewed my faith in her
I tried as hard as I knew how
To restore our life to him
And for a very short and wondrous time
My happiness was to the brim
Michael's touch was in all I felt
In her, I hoped I knew
That all had passed
mattered not as we were now anew
I sensed from this beginning though
That something diminished our light
Maybe that her father's need
Shadowed us with blight
Blinded by the possibility
Of a loving and wondrous home
I put my heart and soul
In the hope of no longer alone
It so quickly seemed to break
And I finally began to know
My heart took so very long
To reap what I did sow
Just because
Michael's love
Saved me way back then
didn't mean all would feel
He and I and kin
I, still distraught
From Michael’s Hana loss
Wonder how he made that space
For him and I and Grace
Now that she and I
are separate once again
And I see her take from me, my world
Michael is here and still my friend
Her need to take from me
My very fickle friends
Reminded me of old
When betrayal was so prevalent
That hearts were turned to stone
At first I felt this icy snatch
Was a misguided slight
And I was responsible
For creating this ugly blight
Yet patiently I've watched
And felt my heart grow ever clear
That giving up my fickle friends
For Michael long gone, yet dear
Is by far my greatest chance
At letting go of
Life gone wrong
And finding new romance
That she would free
Michael and me
To explore
a newfound life
While she grasps hold
Of what she needs
To eat her father’s strife
It seems such a beggars deal
To trade Michael’s love for my feckless friends
That deep inside I knew
She and I were never very real
I do not know why Michael
Came to me today
As I watched a perfect sunset
And helped me find my say
Why her world would give him up
Is beyond anything I know
Maybe he and Hana
Just felt my heart should grow
Is this just the ordinary recovery from trauma (which is a good thing) and the return of hope? Maybe. Yet what was taking place was happening at a speed that while uncomfortable, it was also reinforcing the power of the technology to keep the pressure on to release from very old disfunction that dogs the present and to simultaneously create the possibility of something new and unforeseen and yet being cautious to not leap forward into the past. No need to trade one dog with fleas for another dog with fleas. Best to un-grasp and let go. It does seem like this moment is an exit opportunity. Both to create a new future or fall back into a familiar past. Just turn the technology off and walk away is an option and yet the shift from cognitive fog to NP health is likely not to be unrevealed again. Both PD and non PD users have retained their cognitive returns and improvements regardless of where they have exited the use of the technology. This is not what happened here. This exploration continued.
Emergence
There have been explorations about the possibility of emergent memories that don’t appear to be connected to the experience of the individual that is having these recollections. In attempts to understand where these memories are coming from there is the rationalization that there is some intrusion from a distant relative. Somehow the memory is both related to and entangled with the person remembering. I note this only because of my statement that memories are stored in DNA, although not actual memories (reconstructions), but the visceral memories as discussed. The storage capacity of DNA is massive (a single gram of DNA could store 215 million gigabytes of data). It dwarfs the storage capacity of our modern storage devices. DNA half life is approximately 521 years. It would take close to 7 million years before all the data is gone. Something is stored in there!
The emergent recall continued although there was a noticeable shift away from personal past trauma and into unforeseen and apparently unrelated trauma. The following was not a poem, but a story and as before the content flowed out in a few minutes following a post session dream with the title word being completely unknown and yet compelling to the writer; “Ubuntu”.
Ubuntu Bear Bear
I was seven. I didn't know what hunger was. I didn't know what poverty was. I didn't know what hatred was. I just knew what I felt and and what I mostly felt was numb. I spent my days with my little brother, searching for scraps. Scraps of food, scraps of paper, bits of clothing. But mostly we would spend the day staying away from the man that would hit us and hit my mom. I didn't know we were all starving. We all looked the same. I didn't know that feeling inside was starvation. I didn't know that I was supposed to look after my brother, but I did, until one day when I woke up and he was not there anymore. For some reason I knew what loss felt like, but not for long because there was just the numb.
The most important thing I found during the day was wood. When we had enough wood my mother who kept a pot with her would find grain. We would add brown water and grain and cook it and on those days we would eat. I remember when the grain was cooked my brother and I would put our hands into that pot and it was so hot and we were told to wait for the grain to cool, but then everybody would take what was there and it was gone. Those days when we ate my stomach would hurt so much but that numbness I almost always felt would be gone for a while.
When I found pieces of paper, I would see pictures of shiny things and people with no swollen bellies and clothes that weren't like my clothes. They didn't look like anything I had ever seen anywhere else. I didn't know what some of the pictures were sometimes. I would see pictures of really small ones of the people, but they weren't like my brother and me. They were made of rubber or plastic just like the pieces I would pick up sometimes. One time I saw a picture of an animal that I knew was not a dog. I knew dogs because they were skinny like us and they were scary and they would fight a lot like the man that would hit my mother and me.
Shortly after my brother was gone, my mother and the man and me began a long walk. Day after day we walked and I would still look for wood and paper and other things but we mostly just walked. The man would still hit my mother and hit me but mostly we just walked. I would find wood and sometimes we would eat. Some days men with green clothes and hard black sticks would come past and we would get off the road. One day I saw a rooster and it ran away so quick from everybody even though they tried to catch it. One day those men with the black sticks came by in what I now know was a jeep and ran over a rooster. It ran away, but not as fast as it did before and the man who used to hit me caught it. We took wood and my mother's pot and we boiled the rooster. I was shown how to pull out the feathers and I pulled them all out. Those feathers were very shinny. The feathers were brown, like the water but shiny like the clothes that those people wore in the pictures on the scraps of paper I would find. The rooster didn't smell very good when it was cooking but when it came time to eat I had a little brown piece of it. I had never tasted anything like that before. It wasn't grain. My belly still hurt after, but I didn't feel the same inside. I wondered when the men with the black sticks would come by again and maybe we would have another rooster. We continued to walk day after day and I would continue to look for things and one day I found something soft and brown, and it had one leg and one arm and one eye and a fuzzy little head with two fuzzy little ears. It reminded me of my brother, but small and soft and it didn't cry. It was quite small and so I kept it under my shirt so nobody would take it from me. I think my mother knew but she didn't say anything and the man who hit us I don't think he really cared.
After too many days with no grain, I was feeling a pain inside even worse than I had ever remembered and then I was told to find wood. We started the fire and my mother poured in some grain that she had found, and it disappeared into that brown water. The pain I felt and the hunger I felt was not the usual and I remembered, I remembered what that little piece of rooster tasted like. The grain always took a long time to cook, and my mother and the man who hit us went away for a while. I really wanted that piece of brown rooster. I took what I had found with the fuzzy little ears, and I put it into the pot. It didn't look like the rooster, but I knew it would taste as good as the rooster. My mother and the man came back. They looked into the pot and the man hit me many more times and he pulled out my little fuzzy brother and told me that we couldn't eat it and I didn't know why. Only later did I come to know that you can't eat a stuffed teddy bear. We couldn’t eat my Ubuntu Bear Bear.
Interpretation
Ubuntu is an African term meaning “I am because we are.” It is interpreted as a representation of the connection that all people have. “Ubuntu promotes the idea that individuals are defined by their relationships with others and their community, fostering a sense of collective well-being”. The content of the story represents this connectedness, but in a way that dislodges the terrible darkness of that interconnectedness. The interdependency of human beings is clearly a double edged sword. Helping and harming each other goes hand in hand. Human beings are not good or bad, they are good and bad. Not only in their relationship to each other, but in relationship with anything a human being sets their sight upon. The poignant point of Ubuntu Bear Bear is the hidden darkness buried within the positive aspects of Ubuntu. The reason we call it darkness is because it is something we hide. The technology does not allow for this to remain hidden. Not if you continue to use the technology and even if you decide to stop at this point, as previously stated, the lid is not going back on the box and in fact the lid and box no longer fit together. The cognitive shift will remain intact. The transformative shift is beginning, but there is still time to turn back. Turn the technology off and walk away.
Turning up the heat
What next came up was an undermining of the long held belief in the concept of science being the only way to get at and uncover the natural laws of the universe. This was a huge shift away from science being the only way to get at “truth”.
This was an emergent disruption and in fact the tearing apart of the belief that science is objective. While not a new concept this next short and simple poem challenges the interpretation humanity has of the natural world especially the belief that human beings are in some way the high water mark of thought and observation. Tearing apart closely held beliefs in this fashion is the beginning of transformation into something else…something other than human. So, if you untangle and don’t interfere in the emergent possibilities, the brains’ emergence into something else begins. This is the beginning of becoming post human.
Schrödinger's cat
You encased me in this horrific box
Torturing knowledge by clicking the lock
My companion a lonely .45
An hour of sentence I might yet survive
You think of me as both alive and dead
And sentence me to an hour of dread
Poisoning me to prove a point
With a false wisdom you self anoint
If only you could hear me meow
I would illuminate both quark and tau
Torturing me is your only thought
Obscured knowledge too painfully bought
You torture all you think and see
To render your view of natures creed
I do eat rat to sustain my life
but you torture them to horrific strife
Your very strange hypotheses
Forcing nature to its knees
You test the opposite of what might be true
And when it fails you're to the moon
To understand nature's light
You destroy it with your science might
Crushed for an instant that you might feel
What you demand is truth revealed
You eliminated my autonomy
As a variable possibility
I swipe your vial with my forepaw might
And extinguish me and all that’s right
If only you could hear me cry
by poison breath as I choose to die
You might yet come to understand
All is false when viewed by man
Written in a few minutes and yet it covers the last 130 years of scientific thought and inquiry. What is great about this poem is the transition from Einsteins belief in a knowable universe, onto the emergence of quantum mechanics, the need to torture and destroy to understand and the double slit experiment where the observer alters the state of the observed and therefore what you observe cannot be trusted. What is also implied is the disconnection between what is observed and self observation. This captures the difficulty of becoming an omniscient observer of our own life. Lack of self observation may be the greatest, most destructive flaw humanity possesses.
This was an unexpected shift from individual pain, emergence and transformation and into the blind hubris of humanity. No one thought about the position of the cat. This is not an embrace of the tradition from classical physics onto the science of the quantum world, but a tangential shift away from the hubris of humanity.
It is amazing what is buried in DNA. It is also amazing what the technology and the courage of the user shakes loose. It was beginning to become apparent that the brain has some inherent possibility to transform itself. This is beginning to get very interesting, fascinating and frightening.
Getting out on the periphery of a normal brain there were vacillations and oscillations that were clearly ever increasing expansions and contractions. It was if the tech users’ brain was dislodging old familiar emotive anchoring points by reaching so far back into the visceral data stored in DNA that, while the visceral memories seemed so familiar, there was no possibility of them being formed in this lifetime. Unlike Ubuntu Bear Bear, the user was not a starving seven year old African female and yet these unforeseen visceral experiences continued to emerge and subtly influence how the user was seeing in a new and very different light. This new data informed and reshaped the users view of the world. As the world shifted the risk of losing a sense of humanity became very real. The loss of being human coupled to this new and unforeseen view of the world was a deep contraction into the past and an accelerated push into the future. This contraction and expansion saw the bookends of a humanity in crisis, decline and likely extinction tenuously threaded to the very real sense that a transformation into a post human experience was a very real possibility. The threat of a severance from all that is known into an unforeseen and severe autopoietic shift into the future was threatening to shake everything apart. Yet for the first time in this expanding and contracting maelstrom there was an existential pause. It was if the technology user had a decision to make; whether to release forward or fall back. The following spilled out.
Going back into the darkness again…
I am stuck between lightness and gray
Drifting toward the climb or the fall
I will die…or worse…drift away
I watch the world lost in sorrow
No one finding their way
Collectively lemming…
I guess some one
just has to pay
Traversing the abyss is not what I want
So scarred from travel each way
Yet waiting, watching and wanting
Is the fading of humanity’s day
I have never before
volunteered for this scourge
Yet I know there is a way through
Becoming bloodied and torn
Past humanity’s thorn
Has always been the cost
Of finding the path
Past the world so lost
And traversing its judgement day
I guess never having a choice
on my path through night and day
Maybe the only choice remaining
is to risk all…and get on my way
So, is this a transformative moment? Or a retreat? With Pandoras box already smashed open and humanity in a race toward extinction, the past is clearly no longer an option. This is not so much a fork in the road, but instead and much like the Warriors Way Hike, just a pause before deciding how far and how hard to push.…or to abandon and fall back into decline and the inevitable end.
After spending time hiking, hanging out and exploring the future with a few young people the following tumbled out.
Youth and beauty in desperate flee
from love, commitment and intimacy
all for fierce autonomy
What a sad and lonely card to play
All the while the days grow long
The years grow short
Till Death comes to take its pay
So, are the only options remaining to do nothing and “…or worse…drift away”, or struggle onward alone into an emergent post human world? This is a remarkable moment.
Now what?
It is surprising what this technology has accomplished and what it might achieve. Yet it is time to find out what interest there is in this technology and if and where that interest lies. The inner voice says keep treating PD and other cognitive impairment disorders regardless. There is also the group that would like to see it used for improving cognitive abilities and shoring up against possible future cognitive impairment. It is also compelling to see if there is any interest in the development of post human emergent transformation. This last exploration will continue and with it the potential realization of unforeseen outcomes. Whether this will continue in this forum is up to others.
An effective treatment for Parkinson’s Disease, Exercising Neuroplasticity and Post Human Emergent Transformation can all stand alone or remain intertwined and continue to inform and reform future development of all three. Regardless, they all need some form of support. How that support comes will very likely determine the direction, use and further development of the technology. My hope is that through constructive discourse, financial support, including investing in the technology, that this emergent technology will find purchase. Updating the blogs, and interacting with clients and the public will continue as long as possible.
Poems and Stories
little inner boy blues October 23, 2024
The Return to Innocence November 14, 2024
Kintsugi December 9, 2024
Michael December 19, 2024
Ubuntu Bear Bear January 15, 2025
Schrödinger's cat January 18, 2025
back into the darkness again March 1, 2025
Youth and beauty in desperate flee March 20, 2025
Sudan, Uno and urchin July 19, 2025
little inner boy blues
Snowy morning, in a dreary little town
I break apart, watching her inner voice destroyed by Internet voices
Crushed by my death of nothing left to say
I… l… pack up and leave on that dreary ugly day
The lonesome miles are where the little boy shines,
Always hopeful, but cursed all the same
But if desire for home brings hope from the pain
He always loses his way in the shame
He's learned it so easily, let go
Yet Who sings those things you love are never yours
He so carefully carves his life apart
His dog, now hers breaks all their hearts
The darkness falls, as it always does
The world he knows will shut its doors
But ask he always will,
against all hope he knows the abyss never lies still
The cold from out and in meet to shroud his soul
Protecting him from death and love he numbs
The little boy is home
He doesn't know if he'll survive
He doesn't really care
The abyss has claimed him
Familiar is this roam
White and dark turns to gray
no solace
He falls back in to troubled places
Imagining the joys of others and how painful it is to see,
he disappears from the world
And demands that no one see
This little boy and this old man
Now tangled and alone
Watch the world recede
He's fallen into this numbing darkness
so many times before
The failing light extinguishes both hope and fear
Nothing dare come here
He surrenders time in the deal
his soul will make again
Death he risks yet there is no cost
all is gained or all is lost regardless of his pain
The pain is suffered on his own
As always, he will choose
Even if the other comes, he cannot hear or see
The shroud is so complete nothing enters here
Will I survive, I do not care
Life is not my friend
Yet Death it's not the choice I make
I no longer know what anything is for
Now, no thing is known
And the world is lost to me
Free fall, forward backward up or down
Waste their time, I see
The inner boy and outer man
Tangled, are now cut free
The gray fades to thickest fog
Darkness lightens I still can't feel
But I sense I might yet see
I crawl from under the abyssal shroud
Or maybe it just lets me be
little inner boy is tough as nails
And will never likely fail
The outer man falls back to life
little boy recedes
Wiser, smaller, younger
Fog begins to lift
Hope returns and brings with it some light
Altered in some unknown way
he and I
stop our well known flight
The abyss as teacher
Always dark and numbing cold
Seems to hold I'll ever need
To explore my young and old
I have explored so many ways
to find my way to home
I work so hard to make something light and warm
Yet, it's always taken from my hand and I give it up so easily
Knowing the abyss will come
and I might yet again survive
I wish it were so different
but for the little boy inside
As we both look over what was there
My little boy and I
The landscape now so wide
I see our stumbles, our losses
There's nothing meant to be
The darkness fades
Hope returns
Life unfolds, again
I see
The Return to Innocence (i)
So I've come to realize what it is we are after. We are after the return of and to innocence. I sense that people have predated upon my relationships because they see the possibility of innocence within it, and they want it desperately. So, coupled to the concept of problematics; of creating and resolving a problem that you continue to create and resolve and create and resolve I guess the universe, just as we are, is looking for a return to that innocent state of pre-separation from itself. We are trying to get to/get back to that place, to that visceral sense where we see the world, where we see our partner, in that innocent state of beginning and we want that for ourselves, that visceral experience of life starting anew, filled with hope, desire, uncertainty and joy. With age and experience we are trying to help ourselves avoid the pitfalls that we so continuously fall into as we try to get back to that innocent naivety, or failing that we just drift towards the dimming of the light…the coming of the end.
My recent ex partner got drunk and phoned my lawyer who has also been my friend for 30 years. The premise of trying to locate me my lawyer emailed a friend and said my ex was in her cups with her papers in hand. I asked my friend if these were divorce papers and he said yes. I contacted my ex to let her know just to send the papers to my friend. I would sign them and get them back to her. She responded with she was just trying to get information from my lawyer about my finances for the divorce papers. What came up was, this behavior has been repeated by both my soon to be ex-wife and my lawyer. My lawyer went after two of my ex-girlfriend's when we were all very young and he ended up living with both of them at separate times. My ex-wife knew this and seemed to feel it was OK to open this drunken dialogue with this lawyer friend of mine.
The first time this happened the woman I was originally with and I were so very young. We were inexperienced and naïve. She had such a lovely smile and was achingly beautiful. I left for a race in Europe and when I returned, I felt altered, more worldly and not interested in her in the same way that I was before. We parted. My lawyer friend moved in on her and they ended up living together. A few years later, with my next girlfriend, my lawyer friend, and the emailed friend mentioned above, we returned from a race to where my previous girlfriend and the lawyer were living. We all got a little drunk and he put on a piece of her clothing, returned to where we were and it had been ripped to shreds. The two of them fought. As I watched this, I felt bewildered and sorry for them.
A few months later, well after they had broken up, I saw her walking towards me on the street and not wanting to engage with her, I went into a bank. She followed me in and as we talked for a very short time that lovely beauty and innocence returned to her. The two of us were that nervous naïve couple again. After a brief pause the bewilderment and age reestablished itself and we parted.
My next relationship followed the same pattern. After we broke up the lawyer went after her and they were together for a short while until she left. I continued to see my lawyer friend and to use his services for 30 years.
More than 30 years later the same game is in play again. I wouldn’t have thought about that ancient past, yet it has been triggered by my recent ex and the lawyer. I feel the same pain and sorrow I felt all those years ago, again. I realize I need to work through this. The device is really a very deep cutting, double edge sword. I hoped the exploration of why my recent marriage had ended, noted within the previous poem, I thought I was on my path to recovery, yet the device has cut deeper down into the darker recesses and into the past evoking that old sense of loss and betrayal. I know this event is on the same pendulum swing as the recent marriage loss and I hope that this furthering pain is also about the return to innocence and the possibility of finding that naive and beautiful loveliness that seems so wondrous or maybe this is just coming to the realization of a life spent in pursuit of relief for the little boy inside.
The Return to Innocence (ii)
Her beauty and innocence ignited my soul
I left
and returned
Apart
Later
Seeing her predated upon
Sensing her and his entangled disgrace
Lost were her beauty and grace
Meeting again saw our souls
remember our state of Grace
Parting again, we resumed
our diminishing lonely race
I allowed that predation to damage my soul
From then to my latest breath
So many decades later
still
so harsh and achingly fresh
I see that game again
burned into their souls and our flesh
I wonder if possible this time
to flense it to arrest
I know asking others to stop
Only darkens all in sight
And evokes my lost inner boy
To his familiar lonely flight
I know I must arrest this flesh
and soul eating disease
But what does the surgeon cut
To return to that innocent peace
I am frightened for I know what is coming
Bearing down on them for their stray
Yet it seems almost impossible
To not watch and look away
Traveling through this labyrinth of the soul
I hope is my way to Home
Finding the light, the beauty, the grace
That has fueled my soul aching roam
I hope my innocence will reveal its warmth
As I feel through the darkness again
Shedding behind, the burden of time
And see her waving…my beautiful, graceful friend
I am feeling scared. For a week now I have been feeling frightened of something and yet I can’t tell what it might be. I am second guessing so many things. I am starting to suspect that I am close to rendering up and removing my little inner boy and I am possibly frightened of having to live without him. The cost of post human emergent transformation seems fatal to that which we are internally entangled with. Maybe it is something else. I do not know.
Kintsugi
The Warriors Way
On this short winters’ day
bent…bashed
yet not fully broken
I will find My say
Wet, slick, upward
I grasp
I fall
I get up
Still out of reach
This day
Don’t think
Step
Look…down
Look…up
Just Don’t Look Away
Keep moving
Rest after the fall
Not long
Get up
Not broken?
Keep going
Don’t linger
That saturating, living darkness
That spirit in that dark lava
My false light helps me see
But nothing chases away
That which is coming for me
If I can speak it
For an instant
I can move forward
For a bit longer…free
The sun is still up
Yet the mind is filled with fog
The cloud and rain drop into the valley
The river begins to speak
The mind clears
Walk
Just below the precipice
stretching upward
Grasping that crumbling rock
As I stretch upward
It reaches down to me
Up, over the Crest
and descend
STOP thoughts of time and failing light
Don’t look down
just…descend
Don’t think
Don’t feel
Move
This upper valley floor is won
Just try to hear
The sound begins its guide
Tired, wet, foolish
Thought is not a friend here
Past the valley floor
The next climb begins
STOP thinking STOP
Reflect
If you make it
The next precipice
The feel is now from below moving me upward
Crest
I see so far away
Head down…next step
I descend again, yet I now know descent and rise
Breathe and forget
Let the sounds help
Descend and descend and descend
The day begins its descent
The landscape becomes familiar
I am guided downward and outward
The darkness descends, the lightness increases
I am released…from the past
This place is familiar,
I just don’t know what I am
Anymore
The Warriors Way
Maui
December 9, 2024
Michael
Christmas Eve with my future wife
I, older but still naïve
Her father's possessive
And obsessive need
displayed its madness strife
Michael’s notice of our forlorn trap
Gifted me with a lovers map
His affection and curiosity
Saved me from her father’s screech
Michael’s heartfelt notice
and curiosity
Reduced her and my
disparity
I loved him from that moment on
And reveled in our entangling song
Why he wasn't king of all
Seemed a crime to me of unforgivable gall
I fell in love with her and him
Our innocence seemed not as sin
How Michael knew decades through
She and I would come to rue
Strangled by her father's need
to see her as his only creed
Kept at bay by Michael's sight
of her and I and Hana's plight
Confused by beauty
In my child like need
We proceeded until
Our heartache bleed
Her father’s jaundice
So deeply rot
Laid all my efforts
To useless fought
When finally we were ripped asunder
And so gleefully torn apart
I fought myself away from her
In hopes of some distant start
In the years between her and our so infamous start
I returned one wondrous day
And spending only time with Michael
She noted my spurious fray
I didn't intend
To not see her then
But Michael was in my heart
He noticed how changed I had become
In an instant upon our sight
Yet within a single heartbeat
We moved back to our light
After a single day together spent
I was inspired to soldier on
Yet I felt from deep within him
His wound from Hana’s long lost song
Decades later still
When my ex reached from love gone bad
I fell toward her outstretched need
In search of Michael's hand
She offered me a glorious start
From pursuit of a deadly disease
Nested me in a wondrous place
Michael and I found peace
I fought so hard to recover
Michael’s so peaceful nest
All had been ripped asunder
From all her tumultuous unrest
From torn up walls
And desecrated stalls
And garbage spread askew
Yet every piece
that Michael touched
Renewed my faith in her
I tried as hard as I knew how
To restore our life to him
And for a very short and wondrous time
My happiness was to the brim
Michael's touch was in all I felt
In her, I hoped I knew
That all had passed
mattered not as we were now anew
I sensed from this beginning though
That something diminished our light
Maybe that her father's need
Shadowed us with blight
Blinded by the possibility
Of a loving and wondrous home
I put my heart and soul
In the hope of no longer alone
It so quickly seemed to break
And I finally began to know
My heart took so very long
To reap what I did sow
Just because
Michael's love
Saved me way back then
didn't mean all would feel
He and I and kin
I, still distraught
From Michael’s Hana loss
Wonder how he made that space
For him and I and Grace
Now that she and I
are separate once again
And I see her take from me, my world
Michael is here and still my friend
Her need to take from me
My very fickle friends
Reminded me of old
When betrayal was so prevalent
That hearts were turned to stone
At first I felt this icy snatch
Was a misguided slight
And I was responsible
For creating this ugly blight
Yet patiently I've watched
And felt my heart grow ever clear
That giving up my fickle friends
For Michael long gone, yet dear
Is by far my greatest chance
At letting go of
Life gone wrong
And finding new romance
That she would free
Michael and me
To explore
a newfound life
While she grasps hold
Of what she needs
To eat her father’s strife
It seems such a beggars deal
To trade Michael’s love for my feckless friends
That deep inside I knew
She and I were never very real
I do not know why Michael
Came to me today
As I watched a perfect sunset
And helped me find my say
Why her world would give him up
Is beyond anything I know
Maybe he and Hana
Just felt my heart should grow
Ubuntu Bear Bear
I was seven. I didn't know what hunger was. I didn't know what poverty was. I didn't know what hatred was. I just knew what I felt and and what I mostly felt was numb. I spent my days with my little brother, searching for scraps. Scraps of food, scraps of paper, bits of clothing. But mostly we would spend the day staying away from the man that would hit us and hit my mom. I didn't know we were all starving. We all looked the same. I didn't know that feeling inside was starvation. I didn't know that I was supposed to look after my brother, but I did, until one day when I woke up and he was not there anymore. For some reason I knew what loss felt like, but not for long because there was just the numb.
The most important thing I found during the day was wood. When we had enough wood my mother who kept a pot with her would find grain. We would add brown water and grain and cook it and on those days we would eat. I remember when the grain was cooked my brother and I would put our hands into that pot and it was so hot and we were told to wait for the grain to cool, but then everybody would take what was there and it was gone. Those days when we ate my stomach would hurt so much but that numbness I almost always felt would be gone for a while.
When I found pieces of paper, I would see pictures of shiny things and people with no swollen bellies and clothes that weren't like my clothes. They didn't look like anything I had ever seen anywhere else. I didn't know what some of the pictures were sometimes. I would see pictures of really small ones of the people, but they weren't like my brother and me. They were made of rubber or plastic just like the pieces I would pick up sometimes. One time I saw a picture of an animal that I knew was not a dog. I knew dogs because they were skinny like us and they were scary and they would fight a lot like the man that would hit my mother and me.
Shortly after my brother was gone, my mother and the man and me began a long walk. Day after day we walked and I would still look for wood and paper and other things but we mostly just walked. The man would still hit my mother and hit me but mostly we just walked. I would find wood and sometimes we would eat. Some days men with green clothes and hard black sticks would come past and we would get off the road. One day I saw a rooster and it ran away so quick from everybody even though they tried to catch it. One day those men with the black sticks came by in what I now know was a jeep and ran over a rooster. It ran away, but not as fast as it did before and the man who used to hit me caught it. We took wood and my mother's pot and we boiled the rooster. I was shown how to pull out the feathers and I pulled them all out. Those feathers were very shinny. The feathers were brown, like the water but shiny like the clothes that those people wore in the pictures on the scraps of paper I would find. The rooster didn't smell very good when it was cooking but when it came time to eat I had a little brown piece of it. I had never tasted anything like that before. It wasn't grain. My belly still hurt after, but I didn't feel the same inside. I wondered when the men with the black sticks would come by again and maybe we would have another rooster. We continued to walk day after day and I would continue to look for things and one day I found something soft and brown, and it had one leg and one arm and one eye and a fuzzy little head with two fuzzy little ears. It reminded me of my brother, but small and soft and it didn't cry. It was quite small and so I kept it under my shirt so nobody would take it from me. I think my mother knew but she didn't say anything and the man who hit us I don't think he really cared.
After too many days with no grain, I was feeling a pain inside even worse than I had ever remembered and then I was told to find wood. We started the fire and my mother poured in some grain that she had found, and it disappeared into that brown water. The pain I felt and the hunger I felt was not the usual and I remembered, I remembered what that little piece of rooster tasted like. The grain always took a long time to cook, and my mother and the man who hit us went away for a while. I really wanted that piece of brown rooster. I took what I had found with the fuzzy little ears, and I put it into the pot. It didn't look like the rooster, but I knew it would taste as good as the rooster. My mother and the man came back. They looked into the pot and the man hit me many more times and he pulled out my little fuzzy brother and told me that we couldn't eat it and I didn't know why. Only later did I come to know that you can't eat a stuffed teddy bear. We couldn’t eat my Ubuntu Bear Bear.
Schrödinger's cat
You encased me in this horrific box
Torturing knowledge by clicking the lock
My companion a lonely .45
An hour of sentence I might yet survive
You think of me as both alive and dead
And sentence me to an hour of dread
Poisoning me to prove a point
With a false wisdom you self anoint
If only you could hear me meow
I would illuminate both quark and tau
Torturing me is your only thought
Obscured knowledge too painfully bought
You torture all you think and see
To render your view of natures creed
I do eat rat to sustain my life
but you torture them to horrific strife
Your very strange hypotheses
Forcing nature to its knees
You test the opposite of what might be true
And when it fails you're to the moon
To understand nature's light
You destroy it with your science might
Crushed for an instant that you might feel
What you demand is truth revealed
You eliminated my autonomy
As a variable possibility
I swipe your vial with my forepaw might
And extinguish me and all that’s right
If only you could hear me cry
by poison breath as I choose to die
You might yet come to understand
All is false when viewed by man
Going back into the darkness again…
I am stuck between lightness and gray
Drifting toward the climb or the fall
I will die…or worse…drift away
I watch the world lost in sorrow
No one finding their way
Collectively lemming…
I guess some one
just has to pay
Traversing the abyss is not what I want
So scarred from travel each way
Yet waiting, watching and wanting
Is the fading of humanity’s day
I have never before
volunteered for this scourge
Yet I know there is a way through
Becoming bloodied and torn
Past humanity’s thorn
Has always been the cost
Of finding the path
Past the world so lost
And traversing its judgement day
I guess never having a choice
on my path through night and day
Maybe the only choice remaining
is to risk all…and get on my way
Youth and beauty in desperate flee
Youth and beauty in desperate flee
from love, commitment and intimacy
all for fierce autonomy
What a sad and lonely card to play
All the while the days grow long
The years grow short
Till Death comes to take its pay
Sudan, Uno and urchin
Sudan
Majestic presence
Last of his kind
Mutilated, yet gentle giant
Forgiving of their crime
Horn cut off for horny men
Standing alone and never again
Sudan good-bye and hail
Last great northern white rhino male
Uno
Forced to sleep beside the dock
of orphaned dogs who’s life is fraught
I thought I would be livid and lost
With all their incessant bark
Not even drugged to arrest their grief
Could quiet their incessant wail
Yet, my anxious belief
was always doomed to fail
Uno with his missing hind leg
Out for a moments walk
He eyed me with concern
As I leaned in to talk
Feeding him a morsel
from a volunteers supply
He quickly changed from scared to friend
And I thought my heart would die
I knew I could not take him home
As home I have never known
Yet, I wished they all could come
To share what little I own
urchin
I do not know how the three of us
Have ended in this plight
Maybe because we never knew
How to fight or flight
As I find myself surrendering
My kinship with my kind
Except with these lonely creatures
Who never really knew
What friend or foe were capable of
Until we were cast askew
Losing all relationship
to everyone I knew before
I cannot tell if this mortal wound
Brings a better or more battered shore
Or maybe only heartfelt affinity
For those of us so scorned
Sudan, Uno and urchin
Never to be mourned
I guess we have to share
What life decreed as our plan
Lost, soon dead and fading
From the consciousness of man
Left with each other
Not understanding fate
Doomed to leave not even shadow
As we part from the presence of human hate
It feels so odd to be so alone
Amongst everyone I knew
Only to sense that only those
torn asunder and left to die
Are now and have always been
My friends, my kin, my kind